A Warmth Throughout
A cold is a funny thing
A stuffy nose
A fuzzy brain
And yet, a warmth throughout
‘No school for you’ My mother says
‘Just stay in bed and try to rest’
She returns with a thermometer
No fever, just a cold, but she comes back periodically.
In my bed and all alone,
My siblings gone, the house silent.
Alone and drippy and yet, wonderfully cozy
Alone, but no, not lonely.
My mother’s constant care
A book to read is all I need
I already feel much better
But, all in all, I did not mind my cold
A cold is a funny thing
A stuffy nose
A fuzzy brain
And yet, a warmth throughout
I like the contrast between having a cold and the coziness you get through treating it by sitting around and just chilling (haha, more temperature words). I would have wanted more in the poem, though. Maybe more comparative descriptions, or just more descriptive language overall.
ReplyDeleteThis is a good start, and there are some fine opportunities here for revision. I would start by working on the old "show don't tell" issue. Some lines here are textbook "told" lines, such as "I already feel much better." That's pretty flatly told. If you show that with an image, rather than telling it, then your meaning will come to life in the mind of the reader. I'd love to see you try harder to use descriptive language that readers can see, hear, and feel. The best parts are the parts readers can see, like the mother holding the thermometer. --Professor Miller
ReplyDeleteI think with the simplicity of your poem, you did a great job creating this calm, peaceful and obviously cozy tone. I really liked the contrast between the feelings of being warm and cold, both physically and emotionally. While I do love the simplicity of it I think with more added descriptions and details you could really enhance the feelings of comfort and keep the readers even more engaged.
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