Lost Time
I turn around to find my mommy,
But she is nowhere to be found.
I look here and there but have no luck,
I shouldn't have let go of her hand.
Mommy is nowhere to be found
My eyes begin to blur with tears,
I shouldn't have let go of her hand.
My mind is filled with growing fears.
My eyes burning with unshed tears,
They ask me her name, and I say “Mommy”
My mind is filled with growing fears
And “Mommy” is the only name I remember
They ask me her name and I say “Mommy”
The clock ticks as my lost time grows.
And “Mommy” is all I can remember
I fear I shall be lost forever.
And as the clock ticks and my lost time grows,
I hear a sweet voice calling my name
Just as I began to fear that I’d be lost forever,
From around the corner, out comes Mommy.
I hear her sweet voice calling my name
And run into her arms and hold her tight
From around the corner out comes mother,
And I will never let go of her hand.
the pantoum structure brings this memory to life in such a cool way. I really enjoyed reading this. I would suggest flipping the order of "My eyes begin to blur with tears" and "My eyes burning with unshed tears." I love the line "And “Mother” is the only name I remember" and then the subtle change in the next stanza to "And “Mother” is all I can remember" is effective. I would try a draft without any "and"s and see what the effect is.
ReplyDeletethis is a very relatable memory. i remember the terrible anxiety of realizing i was lost and estranged from my mom. i would maybe try omitting the words "with" and "and" at the beginning of your lines.
ReplyDeleteI love it! It’s very simple and the way you constructed the pattern of the style is very satisfying. The only thing I got for a bit of humble criticism: the last line, instead of “hand” you could write “I swear to never again let her out of my sight.” Maybe. But I’d understand if that was specifically intended, as the line you wrote ultimately makes more sense.
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